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[Feb. 2nd, 2007|05:37 pm] |
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i really wish there was a very active community for bulimics. i go to the pro-ana community alot only beceause there is a new post there every min (literally) anyways i really need support right now and i cant find it there. im freaking out. my binging is getting really bad. i cant stop eating lately. and i cant purge because someone is always home! how do you guys deal with that? cuz i have been caught when i do it with my family home a few times. i just cant do it esp. w.out a shower. i need osme advice. the binging is getting out of control. im beginning to feel like a compulsive eater more than anything. i feel disgusting fat and out of control. i wish i could reach out and get help. i dont want to put my parents in that position thought.. its really expensive isnt it.... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 30th, 2007|09:13 pm] |
new here
hi everyone.
honestly, i dont know what the fuck is wrong with me. i wish i knew. i puke up my food every chance i have.(which isnt very often) i am NEVER alone. i fuckin hate it. and i fuckin hate my dad. he is alwaysss home. always around. i never get a break. so any food i binge on it sits in my stomach and makes me fatter. i am also fat. i cant stop my wild desire to eat! i feel like im a crazy person!!!!! i sneek it. ill eat in private(i feel like i cant eat in front of people because i think someone like my isnt alowed to eat most foods, only diet foods, otherwise im obv a gross outof control person) i feel like all ppl are looking at me and thinking why is that girl eating that piece of pizza? shes too fat she should be eating lettuce with fatfree dressing. or ohh thats how she eats. no wonder shes fat. so i eat alone mostly... i know i will be full when i binge but i dont stop. i dont feel the fullness. i still feel e,pty. i just want to taste. and thiss is usually my pattern. so after binging for a couple days ill start my "diet" again.... this diet starts of great! im like yea i feel good about it this time! im gonna be skinny woo! and everything is great. gym everyday eating healthy.(lately ive been going back to healthy diets to get better and out of this cycle... i used to starve in between my binge cycles. that didnt work anybetter) so after a couple weeks of doing great ill lose a little weight... feelin pretty good.... SOMETHING HAPPENS!! dun dun dun!!!! and i dont know what the fuck it is or how it is triggered. but this demon comes back. and it consumes most of my thoughts... eat eat eat. food food. where can i get food. how can i get alot of yummy food without anyone noticing... ill say im going to the mall. yea yea. then ill go to tim hortons. or mabye ill get a sub. shove my face. whip up all the food i can in the kitchen without anyone noticing it was me or anthing is missing... wait, no one will be home for an hour. thank god. i have to get it out. purge. easy. i feel so much better now. but it doesnt matter. cuz the same thing will happen later. ill go on another quest for food. this time ill have no alone time. no relief. ill just get fatter. i cant help it. it wont let me breath. it wont let me free. im trapped with it. im drowning. im always getting fatter. people tell me im not. but they are all lying. i know it cuz im overweight. and im so fat. i weight 154lbs. it goes from 150-160. back and forth. but i always seem to just be getting fatter. FUCKKKKMANfjeshdfuoiai. omgggggg im so frustrated. i watnt to scream so loud and cry so loud i hate thisssssss help me please help ughhhhhh. im crying. but i cant cry good cuz they are home. always. making it worse. i cant tell anyone. its all a joke. its not serious. cuz hey, i just need to cut back, just EAT HEALTHY, 3-5 SMALL MEALS a day, get a little exercise. HEY JUST WATCH WHAT YOU EAT AND YOULL BE FINE, CAM!
it sounds so fuckin easy doesnt it! is that how it is for everyone? cuz then i must be really fucked up. ive tried every diet in the book. ive gone with out one bite for days at a time. starved for weeks. and im back where i started. always back always going through the same thoughts and questions. why cant i just stick to a healthy diet huh? well ya know waht. I DONT FUCKIN KNOW.
i just want to lose 25lbs and ill be happy. and mabye ill get my life back. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 10th, 2006|12:47 pm] |
I NEED TO FAST TODAY. but i woke up and am already wanting to eat soemthing!... the weekends killme!!!!! friday and sat i had like 1500 cals each day!. so today i want to fast. i never rreally go on fasts i just want to today to show myself im strong enough and i will make it.
i have not weighed myself for almost 3weeks. all this time and effort will show christmas morning. im nervous. 15 DAYS
tell me why i shouldnt eat!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 7th, 2006|04:23 pm] |
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anyone know how many cals 2 heads of broccoli is and one clemintine is? |
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| help please |
[Dec. 4th, 2006|04:51 pm] |
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how do you post pictures on here? |
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| my day... |
[Jul. 26th, 2006|08:09 pm] |
this could be my last post... its weird ive been posting here for so long like yeah i have an eating disorder. ive never been diagnosed but i had all the tendancies i could relate you all of you guys and everything you said but i think the only difference with me was im overweight not by much but a couple lbs over whats considered "normal". im about 155. the nastiest weight which right now is ruining my life. ive done everything you could think of. and would do fine for a week or so then something would happen that would change it all around. id get drunk and binge something would upset me alot and id binge id eat one thing i knew i shouldnt and binge or eat with friends then binge. i know thats how it is with some of you too the only difference with me which kills me is that i dotn stop. i cant stop. ill binge for days which puts me right back where i started all the weight i worked so hard to lose that week or whatever many days is gained back in a couple days. and then im sad. so sad i wont go out(too embarrassed that im fat) i wont feel the motivation to exercise i feel whats the use when ur just gonna eat all those cals you just burned. i wont wanna do much of anything. cuz im FAT. and then this lovely cycle starts right back up agian. what starts it? i donno.. mabye something good happens i motivate myself up again to start my new "diet" which is usually always burning more cals than i eat and when im doing that im pretty damn good at it. if i could keep that up id be where i want to be in no time. but then it starts again that trigger gets pulled and im off to the kitchen to fill my stomach till theres really no more food i can eat without anyone noticing. and then when this happens i feel so down i wonder all day why cant i stop? when will i start my "diet" again? will i ever be able to stop? i feel so lost and disgusted with myself. i only want to eat in private. im to embarrased to eat around people. ill think of food constantly and ways i can get it. what i can eat. illl shove my face. ill do weird things with food like hiding it for later.. things like that. oh and i forgot to mention the purging. when i am dieting ill purge if everthings going ok and i eat somethign i feel i shouldnt ahve. and sometimes ill purge when i just overeat. but i recently cut back beacuse i think i might have saw blood. my parents know somethings wrong with me. then offered to send me to counciling. i said "im fine" they said "no your not" that was the end.
so today, i woke up, thought about food, "ooo what could i eat today, no cam dont eat ur fat but i just wnat to shove my face!" (cuz somethings constantly bothering me and that will make it better and i think its that im fat cuz everythings fine and the things that arent are blamed on being fat, "well he doesnt wanna be ur boyfriend cuz ur FATT" so dont eat right? but i eat cuz im sad and im sad cuz i eat. that basically sums up my life right there") so then its time to get an outfit on for work! yipee! one problem i ahve like no clothes that fit or i feel comfortable in cuz im to fat and self-consious! so put on a lose fitting polo and camo gouchos. dont feel comfortable or pretty, too bad no other choice. go to work next eat a kashi breakfast bar(140cals) tasted soooo good (i had no time to eat anything else, plus we LITERALLY have no food in our house {sometimes we have so little food i cant even binge on anthing} yeah, were a little low in the cash department)so i get to work early go across the street to timmy hos in line thinking "you really shouldnt get something just wait till lunch ur too fat, i really want a muffin right now though but think of all the cals, well its only the beginning of the day, but ur not gonna stop there fatass!" end up getting LOW FAT(whoop dee do!) blueberry muffin yeah thinking thats better OK CAMRYN! so now im at work, thinking "wow i cant wait for lunch wtf will i eat? shit if forgot a lunch spent the money on a muffin well maybe i should skip it and not eat for the rest of the day.." call mom, she meets me at subway for lunch. 1/2 tuscan chicken sub on wheat. yeah on WHEAT. i just do that to look like im trying to be healthy in front of people i tend to do stuff like that alot. other wise i feel ashamed and fat. i always think people look down on me and get grossed out when they see me eat or order anything thats not healthy. i get embarrased. i feel they think why isnt she eating healthy or on a diet. shes FAT. well maybe thats how my twisted mind just works cuz i kno i think that way when i see fat or chubby ppl eat fatty things. so eat the sub, go back to work, work 8 hr shift that day. nicole brings in candy. malt balls gummies and twislers. my mind again--"wow that looks so good i wish i could eat it all. but i dont want to eat in front of them maybe ill jsut hold off on eating till i get home so they dont think im a pigfor eating some. maybe i could stop and buy my own candy and eat it all? oh yea, no money shit." so i eat a little. it was so good, ,made me feel good. that is WHILE i was eating it. after i eat i just either want more or i wanna fall off the face of the earth.so when they walked off to help customers id sneek another hand full of gummies when ever no one was looking. so ashamed. got home. FINALLY. fuckin BOOOORING. first thing on my mind, you guessed it!!!! WHAT COULD I EAT NOW! went to the kitchen, but moms around gotta play it cool cuz i have to look like im on a diet and actually be on a diet when im around ppl. or else im fat. i make grilled cheese on wheat. MOM WHERES THE LOW FAT CHEESE! there is only that cheese camryn just make a half sandwich. i snap. NO I WANT A WHOLE ONE! "does she think im to fat to eat a whole sandwhich!! i was just working 8 hrs she doesnt understand how "hungry" i must feel!((i odnt even know what hungry is, i never eat cuz im "hungry" its not like that)) i eat the sandwhich. start thinking what else i could eat. think wait a min i cant do this everyfuckin day first of all i cant go eat more cuz moms here! so i go downstairs think about how i feel the feeling i need to eat more and try to think about why im feeling this way, why cant i be normal, eat the fucking sandwhich be happy and go do something else with myself and take my mind off it for one second! jesus. so i come down here in my room and just cry and think and cryy soem mroe. and then i look up compulsive eating and realize what my fuckin problem is. im not anorexic nor bulimic. i have the worst one of them all. compulsive eating. i want help so bad cuz i cant think of food normally EVER. i want help. the only trouble is telling my parents but i want to before its to late. im just to ashamed that its this problem that i have. this wasnt the place for me after all although i wish it was over this.but im gonna try and fix myself, change my ways, it only gets worse and ill only gain more weight. the only problem is where and when. how can i come out to my parents and tell them this? any ideas? im so embarrased and ashamed. what should i do!? im so sorry for laying this on you guys. if you read all this and respond thanks if you dont i dont blame you i mean what am i doning here right? ur prob like just leve you dont have the same problem as us. im close though. i can understand you guys and ive been talking to you guys for almost a year now. but i guess its time to hopefully get help and say goodbye, so this is my long annoying pointless goodbye to all of you. i guess i just wanted to vent and be heard. this was always the place i did this. and ill stop by sometiems and still read the posts sometimes. i would spend hrs a day on here. but myabe ill find i a now room for "compulsive eaters" . but i really look up to you guys for getting where you want to be and having so much control i feel helplessness every bite i take and its sad that i might go eat after this. so far today ive had about 1100 cals ha thats not bad for a day im not restricting and ill prob still do that and purge and so i guess i wont be gone forever, ill prob needyou guys for when im at that point. i cant stop this cycle. ok im done now. im just rambling now |
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| im sad |
[Jul. 24th, 2006|06:57 pm] |
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i dont know what happened guys!! its so bad... i cant get my self together the past 3 days! ever since i got drunk and binged i cant control myself like i was doing for so long! ive been so sad lately cuz ive been eating so much. so sad i can hardly pick my self up to do anything. ive been sitting in my room hating myself for 2 days now. literally. i go to bed sad and wake up sad, forcing myself to go to work for 8 hours then come home eat and be sad somemore. yesterday when i left work i went and bought a WHOLE chicken finger sub and ate the whole thing plus a bagel from tim hortons. it was bad. i went to go purge it up then my parents came home so i didnt make a big dent in that one let me tell ya. i just dont know what came over me it was just so easy for me i didnt even get tempted.now its like something else took over the "sad" part of me and i have nothing keeping me going and motivating me. no highlights in my life what so ever. im just stuck in this cycle and its all because im fat. i eat because im sad and im sad because i eat- sad but true..help guys i dotn know what to do!! whats wrong with me! :( |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 16th, 2006|01:17 pm] |
2egg whites- 30
tunaaaa-175
grapes-50
fitness water-20
slim-a-bear-170
pretzels-180
total-625
well thats not too good considering its 1! im going to the gym soon to burn it all off
if you like techno and electronica n shit i highly recomend you download these songs!!!!!
this is the best song in the world: frou frou-breath in ft. DJ encore
ATB-ecstasy
high on life-DJ encore
ton more where that came from :] |
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| HI |
[Jun. 12th, 2006|09:06 pm] |
today was pretty good
broccoli 1 1/2 stalks w. spray butter- umm 100?
1/2 apple-50? i donno
grapes- how much are grapes? 150?
fitness water -20
so 300-400 cals i guess
and burnt 600cals at the gym
how do you post pics on here? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 11th, 2006|08:26 pm] |
well i dont know how to really start and i dont know how this really started... i guess my eating habbits have really changed the past year. i dont know what it was cuz i wasnt having any real problems. i think its just cuz i was fat.
it all started summer going into 9th grade...
i was never fat as a kid, always just a good normal size. ate normal and was always very athletic and active (still am). summer going into 9th grade i guess i just got a bigger appetite and a bigger sweet tooth i just started eathing alot and alot of junk it still wasnt a big problem tho never really thought of it and i still wore bikinis without too much of a problem. then the next 2 years i slowly gained more and more weight not doing a think about it. i started to feel really insecure never feeling good in what i wore and stopped wearing bikinis i felt to fat. i sstarted to get chubby for real. thats when i started dieting and shit like that still no big concern. then recently i donno maybe a yr ago.. i really cant pinpoint or estimate too well. i started to think if i could just be skinny everything would be fine i could have more friends (even tho i have alot of firends now that are all skinnier than me and pretty too) boys would like me and wanna date me, cuz ive always been pretty ppl always tell me that i just thought if i could be skinny too ppl would like me even more and i could get like any guy cuz boys only like skinny girls. and i could look good in anything i wanted to wear! thats my favorite thing... i love CLOTHES i love high fashion and wearing nice brands wow dressing up is my favorite and shopping! but beeing chubby you really cant wear whatever you want, fuckin sucks. but id say i hide it pretty well in what i do wear.i just want to be thin!!! ppl alwasy tell me im fine and i dont need to be on a diet, but there obv. lieing i could stand to lose 20lbs right now easily and id be where i should be but i wanna lose 35lbs! and i think ill be perfect<3 wow its like a dream it seems so unatainalbe right now because i donno what it is lately but ive been having alot of problems.. everyday is a struggle against food everyday i think "ok, totday im not eating" or "today im eating 500 or less" and then i eat! ALOT! ill eat more than the average person by far ill go all out and ill go for the worst things, carbs snacks junk FAT FAT FAT! and i dont stop ill eat till i cant eat anymore and then still think abou teating, i think well i already screwed it up might as well keep going since i might not be able to eat tomorrw, ill get it in today.. and i cant stop! but then ill have a week where it goes good and ill lose like a lb a day and i donno its so messed up!!! i cant even describe it all out in words all the thoughts through my head cuz this would go on forever! i dont know what i have but i know im not normal my eating habbits are so messed up. oh and i forget to mention how i puke alot too. i dont even know what to do right now im jsut trying to focus and not eat more that 500 cals a day at least cuz i need to drop 35lbs STAT!
im sick of this bull shit, im sick of looking in the mirror and not being pleased, im sick of not wanting to go to the beach and swimming WHICH IS MY FAVE THING TO DO NO LIe and making up an excuse cuz my fat will show i cant be seen in a bathing suit no way! and im sick of boys not liking me cuz of my chub . but my body kills it for me i occationally get a hot guy but they dont stay and i think its cuz of my body im not perfect im insecure about it and ppl can see that.i just wanna be happy with it. i want guys to want me and i wanna look good for myself. i actually had a close firneds mom call me chubby the other weekend and that hit the spot i was so upset, who says that to someone, asshole. and i think my parents know that i have huge binges (mostly when they leave the house when im alone, i dont like to eat in front of ppl i just think there thinking wow why is she eating that shes so fat) so i think they are always watching what i eat and i think they want me to slow down i think they think im getting too chubby. seriously.
so here are my nasty stats-
Current weight- 157
High weight- 165
Low weight- 136
Height-5'6
1st goalweight-147(in one week, the 18th)
2nd -140(by the time i go to nc in 2 weeks ahh) still not good enough at all
3rd-135 getting there
4th -130 ill look pretty good
5ht-120 ill be hot!
well see what i wanna do from there..
this summer i think theres gonna be some big changes
now that school is over and sports, ill think ill have alot more time to just focus on myslef, waht im eating or not eating and ALOT of exercise
i have to get in control on what i eat |
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killacam2's journal
